World Day for Prevention of Child Abuse: Let's Break The Silence!

 A disturbing petition from Change.Org popped up in my mail box today. It was a petition addressed to YouTube, asking that sexually abusive videos featuring some children from India, be removed. The videos had apparently been shot by a tuition teacher who was making money out of them. I signed the petition noting the irony -- today, November 19, is World Day for Prevention of Child Abuse.  

Child sexual abuse of all forms in India is rampant. It would serve us well to remember that the Government of India has pegged the extent of child sexual abuse in the country at a staggering 53%.

But figures, no matter how devastating, are still just numbers on a page. They can never prepare you for the lives, life stories, faces and voices of the people who make those statistics frighteningly real. It was this frightening reality that I came face to face with when I began research for an episode on Child Sexual Abuse for the television show Satyamev Jayate in the year 2011. 

The year-long process of research, threw up very disturbing stories. Across region, class and religion, men and women shared deeply personal narratives of their sexual abuse as children and the aftermath of the abuse in their adult lives.Many times over, I have heard people say, “This is the first time I am speaking about what happened with me.” “Yes, this happened a long time ago, but I am still not okay. It’s not okay.” The feelings of shame, guilt, shock, blame, betrayal went so deep that it seemed likely that many of the survivors might carry them, unresolved, to their grave.

For me, personally, the journey of research on this subject proved to be traumatic.It was very hard to maintain that thing called professional distance. It was impossible to remain immune; I got sucked in. Deeper and deeper, with every unforgettable meeting.

One such meeting was with a girl in a southern India metro. She became the target of sexual abuse when she was less than a year old. The abuser was a trusted relative. There were many things this girl said in her interview that pierced my heart.

For years, the myriad ways in which her abuse impacted her led her down a path of extreme self-harm. But she fought back valiantly. Today, she stands as an inspiration to those who are on the path of healing. She writes amazing prose and poetry and sometimes, donning a clown’s nose, she entertains sick children in hospitals.

After the interview (seasoned in equal measure with pain and humour), she played the most heavenly music on her piano. On the window in her room were gorgeous images of translucent butterflies.

Here’s what happened next. My teammate broke down in the vehicle on the way back to the office and started speaking about his own sexual abuse as a child. Listening to the interview had unlocked something within him. He vowed to take steps to heal from what he described as “an unattended illness I’ve been living with for 30 years”.

On May 13, 2012, the Satyamev Jaycee episode on Child Sexual Abuse was aired. I believe that every single survivor who spoke up, not just on the show but also in the research process, who shared his or her journey with generosity and courage, has made a valuable contribution towards shaping an understanding of the mechanics of child sexual abuse and its impact on survivors. Lakhs of people responded to the episode; many writing in with their own experiences of abuse. It was akin to a catharsis—an outpouring of pain like the breaking of a dam. And not just survivors, a few perpetrators wrote in too. I’d like to share a few of those responses here.

 “Childhood is said to be the purest part of one’s life but unfortunately I don’t have any pure memories of my childhood. I was in class 4 when my grandfather first abused me. I was shocked. I was never told about these things so I didn’t know what was happening with me. He touched me in the wrong places for 5 years. There were nights I couldn’t sleep as some incidents took place when I fell asleep. I locked my room one night but the next day I couldn’t tell my mom why I had locked it.

When I was in class 9, I had the courage to stop him; the courage to oppose him. I always thought of telling my parents but I was afraid that they would not believe me. I am 21 years old now but tears roll down my cheeks when I think of that time.

Last year, my cousin who is in class 6, told me about an incident that took place with her, which she wasn’t able to understand. The culprit was once again my grandfather. The moment I heard her, I decided that I wouldn’t let her suffer. I confronted my grandfather and warned him and then I told my parents about it. Everyone asked me why I had been quiet all these years but I had no answers. However, I really want to thank my aunt who supported me even more than my mother.

I always feel guilty about what happened to my cousin. If I had told my parents earlier, she wouldn’t have had to suffer. I can never forgive him. He took my childhood away from me.”

-- Radha (name changed)

Main B.Sc. second year ka student hoon Lucknow mein. Aaj ke pehle main sochta tha ki sirf mere saath hi child sexual abuse hua hai par aaj pata chala ki yeh aur logon ke saath bhi hota hai. Batate hue hichkichahat si ho rahi hai but picchle 12 saal se main yeh dard seh raha hoon, hala ki picchle 2 saal se hum khudko bachate aa rahe hain. Mera shoshan karne wala aur koi nahin par mera tau ka beta hai jo mujhse 10 saal bada hai.

Satyamev Jayate ka show dekhne ke baad chaurahe pe woh ittefaq se mere saamne aaya aur poori himmat juta ke maine usko jordar ek chaata maara. Road pe sab dekh rahe the aur usne kuch nahin bola par I am sure ki woh samajh gaya. Aaj main uss zindagi se mukt ho gaya aur anjaam jo hoga woh dekha jaayega. Main khush hoon ab.

-Sumedh (name changed)

I am 27-year-old and I work as a software engineer. For the past 12 years, I have questioned myself about what I did. I feel like a criminal. When I was in class 9, some of my friends and my neighbour’s older brothers, all betrayed me. They pushed me to sexually abuse children, whether it be a boy or a girl. I was a teenager and I didn’t understand what exactly I was doing.

One day, I tried to abuse my neighbour’s 7-year-old daughter. He caught me and took me to my parents. My parents scolded me, hit me and made me promise that I would never do something like this again. But I think I was addicted to it. I tried it (only smooching) with my cousins as well. I was trying to kiss them and I was caught by my mother. Then I tried to commit suicide but I failed. It was after the suicide attempt that I decided I would never sexually abuse anyone again.

Those memories still torture me. I don’t know why I ever did those things and why my friends and brothers forced me to. How could I get provoked by them? I feel guilty each moment. I am very scared of discussing any of this with my parents. I have no strength to ask for forgiveness.  

-Krish

Even as I was writing this blog, another email has popped up from Change.Org -- YouTube has removed the offending videos. A victory! But the fight is far from over. Those videos have been replicated and float all over the Internet. And child sexual abuse is still a very frightening reality for very many. The strongest weapon against this menace is to speak up. Silence works in favor of the perpetrators. We must empower ourselves and our children to speak up. Let's break the silence on hold sexual abuse. Let's heal.

(Chuppi Todo, a booklet on Child Sexual Abuse that is free to download and share: bit.ly/CSABooklet)

Because I care

As part of a team creating a series of self-help books on various topics for children in the eight to twelve age group I had an experience that is imprinted in memory forever. I’d written a book on child sexual abuse by relatives – a fictional story about a little girl who had suffered sexual abuse at the hands of her maternal uncle. It was being tested with a group of twenty girls in Karnataka. The facilitator read out the story. There was pin drop silence in the room. The story concluded and suddenly on of the girls burst into tears and then another. Slowly they began to speak of their own experiences with sexual abuse and how they had been able to tell no one about it all these years. What echoed most resoundingly was the plea: “Please help us. We have no one to turn to.”

Back in Mumbai, when I shared this heart-rending experience with my college going daughter, her response was equally wrenching. “Ma,” she said, “this kind of abuse is everywhere. I have a friend who was abused regularly for four years by a caretaker. She’s so distraught I feel terrible. The abuse stopped many years ago, but she hasn’t got over it. It haunts her every day. She feels very helpless. And there are many cases like this.”

Statistics on recent sexual abuse cases against children tell a horrifying tale. A 1999 World Health Organization report stated that 1 in 10 children is sexually abused. But Lois J. Engelbrecht, a researcher working on the problems of child sexual abuse, quotes studies showing that over 50 per cent of children in India are sexually abused, a rate that is higher than in any other country. Huma Khan of the Kanpur-based Centre for the Study of Human Rights terms child sexual abuse as one of the least documented violations. But studies made across India, documented in Grace Poore's resource book The Children We Sacrifice show the wide prevalence of the problem.

A survey with 350 schoolgirls in New Delhi by Sakshi (an NGO) in 1997, showed that 63% had experienced sexual abuse by family members; 25% of the girls had either been raped, made to masturbate the perpetrator or perform oral sex. Another 1997 study on middle and upper class women from Chennai, Mumbai, Kolkata, Delhi and Goa by the NGO, RAHI revealed that 76% of respondents had been sexually abused as children, with 71% been abused either by relatives or by someone they knew and trusted.

Samvada's 1996 study on students in Bangalore stated that 47% of the respondents had been sexually abused with 62% having been raped once and 38% having been repeatedly violated.

Tulir-CPHCSA`s study in 2006,conducted among 2211 school going children in Chennai, indicates a prevalence rate of 42%. Children of all socio-economic groups were found equally vulnerable. While 48% of boys reported abuse the prevalence rate among girls was 39%.

Yes. It is a reality that sexual abuse of kids is rampant. As adults, we need to be acutely aware of the fact that any child we know is vulnerable to sexual abuse. As it is not always possible for us to ensure a child's safety, it is critical that we teach children how to protect themselves.